It Never Mattered
by shattered petal
Summary: Olivier was there. She was here, in front. Nothing mattered anymore. Riza would be out of her sight by tomorrow. After tonight, they wouldn't see each other for many years. In Hawkeye's mind, there was nothing to stop her. No morals, nothing. Because, in the end, she didn't care. She just–– wanted. -Olivier/Riza


**author's note**: Hey. So I noticed my Olivier/Riza story _The Queen's Rose_ has quite a couple of readers, and as an apology for making you all wait so long, I shall write you this oneshot. There are quite a few reasons why I need to do this, but, aside from saying sorry, I also am struggling to come to terms with how I feel about someone. She's older than I, and my teacher (original, right?), but I'm very confused about how I feel about her. Really, I have an exam tomorrow and one on Tuesday so I know the stress isn't helping. Anyway, hopefully writing this oneshot will release some of these emotions I've been bottling up. Ramble, ramble, ramble.

* * *

**Title**: It Never Mattered  
**Genre**: Romance/Angst  
**Rating**: T  
**Couple**: Olivier/Riza

* * *

No.

No, she couldn't believe it. She would _never_ believe it. All her life she had managed to push unnecessary issues aside, find her place, focus on what was important. However, recently, everything felt so empty and pointless. She didn't _recognise_ herself anymore. It was pathetic. Everything was pathetic; she felt stupid and ridiculous. She _couldn't believe_ she had allowed her emotions to take control.

On several occasions Riza had conversed with Olivier, or simply observed a discussion between her and Roy –– which usually evolved into sarcastic banter. Unlike most individuals, Hawkeye wasn't chilled by the other woman's presence, and she was capable of talking to her without trembling in fear. Riza knew Olivier wouldn't hurt her. She also knew Olivier held her views in high esteem, which was flattering. All her life Hawkeye had been shunned, been placed in the shadowy corner. All her life she had been timid and withdrawn.

Mustang was always supportive and encouraging and, like Olivier, looked up to her opinions. But it wasn't the _same_. Riza enjoyed Roy's company, she could sit with him and talk for hours and not feel awkward or shy. She had known this for man for years–– if anything, he was the closest thing she had to family. Yet even though he and Olivier treated Hawkeye in a similar fashion, there was something even more touching about Olivier, and Riza wasn't sure why.

Maybe it was because Olivier only took people's opinions with a pinch of salt, but with Riza she actually looked _interested_. Maybe it was because Riza wasn't _used_ to someone of such a fantastic reputation to even so much as _glance _at her. Maybe it was because Riza felt _good_ when around Olivier, as if she had found someone she could relate to. Someone who _understood_ her.

The Lieutenant had heard many stories about Olivier Armstrong, how skilled she was with a blade, how smart and analytical she was, how she managed to climb so far up the military ladder, while men taunted her due to her gender and appearance. She was more than a success. Olivier was a huge role model for many women, but she kept her distance. While Olivier possessed fierce viewpoints on different aspects of society, she was cold and unreachable. No one could pass her.

Heck, Olivier somehow had hundreds of large, frightening men to worship her. This woman was in charge of a powerful defence. _The most_ powerful military headquarters in the whole of Amestris, and all because of her hard work and wise thinking. Her men, like she, were broadminded, they _knew_ how to react, how to think, what was important. They knew how to survive. They didn't need her to survive.

Yet they were always by her side, loyal and fierce.

For a long time Riza had admired Olivier for her strength and power. Of course she did. In some ways –– a lot of ways –– Hawkeye wished to one day be like her. While she would always be there for Mustang, as his aide and adjutant, Riza would still like to hold a positive reputation.

'I don't know why you bother with him, Hawkeye. If you were under my command, I could get you a promotion you deserve in no time.' Olivier turned, catching Riza's gaze, 'So I hope you keep my invitation in mind. Believe me, men would _beg_ for a job like the one I'm offering you.'

And Riza was aware. This wasn't the first time that Olivier had queried whether Hawkeye would feel more comfortable with her than Mustang. Riza trusted Olivier, she knew Olivier kept her word and would do anything she could to make sure a promotion was in order.

This time, though, Hawkeye's mind stopped spinning. While she followed the Major General down the hallway, she couldn't help feel... flattered. Barely anyone would hand her opportunities on a plate. No one really asked if she wanted any help to succeed. Riza had gained her rank as Lieutenant by herself.

Instead of feeling insulted, though, Hawkeye was touched. She smiled a little to herself, wanting to thank the General for her kindness but she was more than aware that Olivier would merely shrug it off as nothing. Nicety wasn't her cup of tea. Olivier would rather remain an enigma, even to those who loved her most.

Spending a month at Fort Briggs wasn't as horrific as most would imagine. That was, if they could _survive_. Hawkeye was strong enough to tolerate the freeze, and none of the men taunted her. Only those who were weak and frail were mocked and literally bullied out of the military. Briggs was no place for softies.

For some odd reason, however, Riza had started to notice Olivier more. Not that she hadn't already appreciated how amazing this woman was, but lately there was something else. Something foreign and confusing.

Only a blind man would say Olivier was unattractive. Secretly, Riza had always been fond of her face. It sounded silly in her head, but Olivier was beautiful–– _no one_ should look this beautiful. Her skin was pale, flawless, and pure. There was the odd scar across her cheeks, but that only added to her beauty. Her eyes stood out well. Blue, a very light blue, the type which Hawkeye would happily stare at for hours. They fascinated her. The colour was mesmerising, like water, a gorgeous blue, so bright and innocent.

It was her face mainly. Riza barely noticed Olivier's figure, she wasn't interested in that. Yet now she noticed how appealing this woman was, Riza couldn't look at her. She found it difficult to concentrate whenever they conversed, and she always kept flashing her gaze away. Maybe Olivier noticed. Maybe not. Either way, Riza hoped she wouldn't get the wrong impression. She wasn't _scared_ to look Olivier in the eye. It was an entirely different reason.

There were the rare times when Olivier might smile. It would be small, but to Riza her smile meant so many things. She had done something right, she had earned Olivier's respect which millions were incapable of doing. And what's more? Riza didn't even have to _try_. It was as if Olivier already knew she was a capable woman.

How she felt grew even more complicated when Olivier began to offer a hand, and help her more with training. While Riza was a natural with the sniper, fantastic at her aim and very steady, the Major General still had a couple of tips. Hawkeye listened intently, she listened as hard as she could, but couldn't help feel self conscious when Olivier adjusted her position a little, or simply spoke to her.

_Never_ had Riza felt self conscious around Olivier before. She hadn't felt this way for years. Yet all the timidness and awkwardness was returning, and she felt utterly ashamed. She felt irritated too. So irritated she was acting so out of order because of _one woman_.

That evening it all became clearer, but more puzzling as well. Riza couldn't deny the fact she _liked_ Olivier. It could just be admiration. After all, Olivier was an admirable figure, but if that was so, then how comes Hawkeye was beginning to feel upset about it? How comes her throat hurt when she thought about Olivier, how comes she... wanted to cry?

Nothing made sense. Why cry? A lot of people had crushes on those they looked up to. It wasn't anything to get in a state about. But Riza had no idea what to do with her feelings. She didn't know how to respond to them, she didn't know if she should be in the same _building_ as Olivier anymore. The woman's presence had become intoxicating and she was now possessing Hawkeye's mind obliviously.

Yes, it could not be denied that Hawkeye wanted her. Maybe not sexually, but she wanted her. She wanted Olivier close, she wanted her to _know_ how she felt. She wanted her to understand. Riza wasn't sure if she wanted anything _from it_. She just didn't know. She didn't know what she wanted; she didn't know _why_ this was happening to her.

Riza, after everything she had been through, was still a stable woman. Only recently she felt as if the entire world was crumbling down because she was confused.

She felt pathetic. She felt this whole situation was stupid, but she had no clue how to put it all in a box and close it. To lock the box and throw it far, far away.

* * *

'When you arrive back in Central City, deliver this to Mustang. He's so lazy I doubt he'd be bothered to even get off his arse, never mind travel up here.'

Riza swivelled around on her feet, turning her attention from the window to Olivier. Taking hold of the letter, she swallowed. 'Yes, ma'am. I intend to leave early tomorrow morning. It is quite a long journey.'

'I know. You'll be fine.' Olivier stood up from her seat. 'Make sure Sergeant Hastings is aware. He'll be head of outside patrol. It'd be best he was aware of you leaving.'

Something heavy fell on Riza's chest and crushed her. Apparently the emotions she felt when alone were starting to attack when she was around Olivier now, and this was most inconvenient. When Olivier turned to look at her, Riza couldn't help inhale. _Does she have any idea how amazing she is?_ Miraculously, Riza had grown all soft and silly inside. She was a little girl again.

_I don't want to leave. _Again, silly thoughts. Silly. _Silly_.

'Are you all right, Hawkeye?'

_She's asking if I'm all right. Why does she ask? Why does she act likes she cares about me?_ Riza straightened her posture. 'Yes. Sorry, I was distracted––'

'That's not good enough. Distraction doesn't owe anyone any favours. You know that.'

'I–– Yes, I do.'

Maybe she was simply paranoid, but Hawkeye felt Olivier's gaze on her for longer than she was comfortable with. Raising her head, they met eye contact. A ball formed in Riza's throat, and she wondered if Olivier had any idea what she had done to her. How _painful_ it was to be around her, knowing how she felt would never be acknowledged. That this wonderful woman would never feel mutual.

Urgh, but she didn't like women this way though! What was all this about?

Riza looked for the door and approached it. She needed to get away. Even if she would rather stay with Olivier for as long as she would allow. 'I shall return to my duties then, ma'am.'

'Have the night off. You deserve it.'

Her cheeks flushed. _Have the night off_? Wasn't this stepping into the line of favouritism? No, no, Olivier wasn't that sort of person. She wouldn't...

... but maybe she would.

She heard Olivier's footsteps. They were light, she balanced herself well, but considering she was a warrior, the woman would have to. Then she was sitting behind her desk again, and Riza still hadn't escaped. Her hand was on the doorknob, but she didn't leave.

'Can I ask a question?' Riza said, approaching the desk.

When Olivier cocked a brow and looked at her, Riza's heart skipped a beat. _If anyone got her in a state like this, surely she should not just walk away_. 'Yes.'

There wasn't a question. Not a proper one. Olivier's eyes remained on her, and Riza remembered her place. She was just a colleague, an underling. How dare she even consider stepping overboard? 'Never mind. I... I've forgotten.'

_She doesn't forget_. It was one of things Olivier complimented her about.

Riza was back to the door again, but this time Armstrong had risen, and there were a couple of seconds when she was no longer her commanding officer, her colleague, her teacher. Before Hawkeye could escape, she felt a strong, yet feminine hand on her shoulder and to her horror, Riza found herself facing Olivier again. No longer were Olivier's blue eyes furious and powerful. Somehow, they had been tamed, and curiosity shone through them.

_She knows_.

'You wanted to ask me something.'

Olivier was there. She was here, in front. Nothing mattered anymore. Riza would be out of her sight by tomorrow. After tonight, they wouldn't see each other for many years. In Hawkeye's mind, there was nothing to stop her. No morals, nothing. Because, in the end, she didn't care. She just–– _wanted_.

It was quick, but she kissed her. Their lips touched, and she kissed Olivier, and her heart exploded. It was agony. It was ectasy. She sighed. Something hurt so much and she struggled to not burst into tears. At once Riza moved away but she didn't turn around in time for Olivier to not see the tears trickle down her cheeks.

Even if she was powerful, cold and distant, Riza had silenced her. She had stunned the Ice Queen, and retreated the room. Olivier didn't move. _She hadn't known_. What happened was a shock, and she–– she just didn't expect Hawkeye to react that way.

Not that it mattered.

Riza wiped the tears from her cheeks roughly, ashamed, bitter and upset. Olivier had no idea. She was clueless, utterly clueless on what she had done. What she didn't mean to do.

No–– it never mattered.

Soon, Riza would be back at Central, away from Briggs, away from the freeze.

Away from her.

* * *

**author's note**: I cried a little writing this because I wrote Riza very similar as to how I feel right now, but I hope she wasn't OOC. Obviously she was somewhat because she has been put in a complicated position, yet not the type of OOC which makes you shake your head and go NOPE NOPE. Before you asked, I haven't kissed my teacher, no. Of course not. I'd never even go there. I'm a sensible girl. But I do get emotional. /sobs

What's funny is that my mother informed me to close the box about how I feel, because I have an exam tomorrow and should focus on that. I said I would. I didn't consider the fact writing about how I feel isn't exactly _closing the box._


End file.
